You said you loved me

and then you couldn’t see me

and then

silence

 

In an artifact unearthed

You wrote you loved me

but really

I was too much

Too much ambition

Too much drive

Too much wanting of too many things

Selfish and naive

 

Your double years granting you the wisdom

to see who I really was

I should want a quiet life, a steady job, a guaranteed retirement

“leave and cleave”

You reminded me

 

I want you to know that I tried to do it

“I tried to change, close my mouth more, tried to be softer, prettier, less awake.”**

But I only grew larger, louder, harsher

in his head

 

How do you change a mirage?

 

Maybe you’re right

Maybe your words reveal truth

Maybe I could have made myself smaller, less costly, less colorful

 

Instead, I chose to love myself

I still choose to love myself in radical defiance

of your pleas to love him more

as if love was the thing I was missing

 

I had it in abundance with no where to go

 

And now

your words live with his

in a tiny plastic mausoleum

**Warsan Shire